Unsent
by WickedLucy
Summary: Some things we're too afraid to say out loud. And some of them we just have to keep saying to ourselves until we're ready to face them, so that the one person who really matters will have the chance to know. Breyton.
1. Letter 1

_Ok so, I don't really know where this came from, but I sat here and just started writing, because I had to. And then a letter appeared! It's short, and it's not actually from any particular moment of the show, it's just a letter. I guess I'll probably post one or two more chapters, all in the form of letters. It's just something that popped in my head, so let me know what you think, ok? Oh, and I'm still working on All The Things We Said, and, along with my bestest friend Carol (penname unflavored), on All For Believing._

_**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters, or anything else I may have borrowed from the show._

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B. Davis,

Do I still get to call you that? It's always been like our way to recognize each other as best friends, right? Sisters, almost. B. Davis and P. Sawyer. So I guess not. I guess you're just Brooke now. And I hate that.

I don't know why I'm sitting in bed, bothering to write this when I know I'll never have the guts to send it to you. But I need to. I need to say it somehow. Maybe because I have this hope that, by saying it, I'll actually believe in it. By saying it, it will be real and I'll be dealing with it. Then again, maybe that's why it took me so long to sit down and try to put it into words.

It's been almost two years, Brooke. Two years ago, I knew exactly what you were doing, and what your plans for the weekend were. I knew how you felt about work, if you liked your boss or not. I knew all about your latest crush, I knew the time you woke up and what you had for lunch. I knew _you_, inside out. Most importantly, you knew me, too. It kills me not to know anymore.

You have no idea how strange it still is to me, when something amazing happens in my life, or when I'm so miserable I don't know what to do with myself, and I pick up the phone and realize I can't call you. And I know I could call other people, other friends, but I don't. I put the phone back and try to get distracted with some other thing. Because it's not the same. Because they're not you. I do have friends, and I do love them. They know me pretty well, we talk, we do stuff together all the time, and I'm never alone if I don't want to. But I still _feel_ alone sometimes.

When a new text message pops out, sometimes I still hope it is you telling me how bored or sleepy you are, and asking me how my day is so far. And then I read the first word and, just by the way it's written, I know it's not you. I would probably recognize a message from you before I even read it. I used to. And when you called, it was like you knew how much I needed to talk to you, at that moment, whether it was something good or bad, whether I needed a shoulder to cry on or someone to celebrate, you were there. Even when you couldn't be by my side, somehow, you always managed to be there.

I miss you, Brooke. I know I'm not your favorite person in the world right now, but know that you're still mine. I know I wasn't the best person to have around, and god knows I pushed you away, so I shouldn't have been too surprised when you actually left, right? But I still was, and it still hurt. Cause you were my person. The person who would never go, no matter what I did and no matter what happened. The person who would know just what I needed, even if I said otherwise. The one person who would stay. Forever.

But you didn't stay, and I understand. I really do, now. I was so angry at you, I wanted to pretend that you never existed, I wanted to stop missing you, I wanted to _hate_ you, even. Anything. Anything but what I was feeling. I didn't know what it was, but I knew it hurt more than anything I'd ever felt. And that coming from the girl with two dead moms, a psycho stalker and an unknown half brother. Losing you was worse.

We would fight at times, but none of us would really worry, because the next day we would be fine, remember? What changed? Why couldn't we fix it this time? Why couldn't one of us take that first step and make things right again? Now I know I didn't want to.

I didn't want to, because hating you hurts, Brooke, it really does, but loving you? Sometimes loving you this much, loving you the way I do, it becomes unbearable. You make it so easy to love you, and so hard to let go. You make it so easy for me to be mad at you, but even easier to forgive you. You make it so freaking hard not to fall in love with you… And I've tried, and I fought it, but I don't think I'll ever be strong enough to fight against this feeling. I'm not sure I want to fight it. Because loving you and being close to you is all I've ever known. And now you're gone, because I pushed you away. Because you don't know. Because I'm too afraid. I'm so afraid that sometimes I feel that not ever knowing is better than taking a chance and risking hearing you say you don't love me back. That I can't make you feel what you make me feel. That you don't get nervous before you pick up the phone when you know I'm the one calling, or that you don't get just a bit jealous when I say I have a date with some random guy. Because falling in love with you is so easy, Brooke, it's almost impossible _not_ to, but being loved by you, having your whole heart, that's the hard part. That's the part that scares me, even though I think you already gave me a big part of it. And I didn't protect it the way I should have.

I'm not saying all of this in hopes that you'll read, and then come and say you feel the same, because I guess deep down I know you don't. I'm just saying because I can't stand you being mad at me. I can't stand knowing, through our friends, that you think I'd give our friendship so little value. So you need to know the truth. That's it. I know it doesn't excuse many of the things I said and did, but it's all I've got. I never stopped loving you, I simply loved you too much. Always have. And I have a feeling that I always will.

You'll always be my best friend, my B. Davis. No matter what.

Love,

P. Sawyer.


	2. Letter 2

_Thank you so much to those of you who reviewed! I'm glad you liked the idea of the story, and I have to tell you, as you may have noticed from the first letter, and you will certainly notice on this one, this fanfiction is about feelings. Is about opening your heart and saying everything. Time doesn't matter. The past doesn't matter. The circumstances and situations don't really matter. It's all about the moment. I hope you are not disappointed by it, and I hope you like the concept. Let me know, ok?_

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Hey best friend,

God, sometimes it's still hard to believe that I actually told you everything. And even harder to believe that I have you back. That we saw each other after so long and it was as if we were never apart. Talking about everything without thinking, no secrets, no fear to talk about anything. I missed this so much, having someone I can be this comfortable around. Actually, not _someone_. You.

I always knew the amazing friend you could be. I know it seems I took you for granted sometimes, but I never did. I knew how unbelievably lucky I was to have you as my best friend. I knew I loved you. What I didn't really know was that I could ever love someone _that much_. I never knew, until I lost you. Or at least until I thought I had lost you. Now I see that I could _never_ lose you. That we will always find each other.

At first, I thought it was gonna hurt, that it was gonna be too hard to be around you as a friend, and only as a friend. That was why it took me so long to call you back after we talked for the first time. The ball was on my court, you said it yourself, because you didn't want to risk hurting me, and you didn't want me to change my mind after you let me in again. I can't believe I actually had to stop and think about it. Of course, I only did it because I was so scared of hurting _you._ I was afraid I couldn't be strong enough, and that I would let you down. But having you back in my life, in any way, it is such an amazing feeling that it could never be too hard. It is worth _anything_.

But, inspite of it all, I'm here, writing another letter you'll never read. And if I'm writing, it means that there are still things I'm not ready to talk about. Or that I don't think you're ready to know. If I started telling you that I still think about being with you, about kissing you every single time you're around, or that, in my head, I still have this insane hope that one day you'll feel the same way I do, what would you say? You would probably think I'm crazy, right? You would probably sit with me and have a talk and explain that I have to let go of this feeling and these delusions. Things is I'm not ready to let go of them, not just yet. As strange as it may seem, they are keeping me sane. And until I know just what to do, just how to let go of these feelings, I'm gonna need to hold on to these dreams, even if I know how unlikely they are.

So why do I get the feeling, sometimes, that they're not as crazy as I make them seem? When I look at you, when I see the way you look at me, or the way you use your words, or the way you hold me, why do I feel like maybe, just maybe, there's a slight chance you may feel the same? Are the signs really there? Or am I trying too hard to look for something that just does not exist? You see why this is so scary? I need to let myself believe it, but, again, I'm too afraid to ask. I need this hope, and if I find out it is nothing but wishful thinking, I may breakdown. Hard. And fast. We both know that is dangerous. And you might have to step aside again, so that I would not pull you down with me, again. I can not go through it one more time. Once was hard enough. That is why I'm learning to be stronger. That is why I'm learning to step back sometimes and think things through. Learning to be less selfish, even. I'm learning, for you. And I'm also getting stronger, so that, this time, when you need me, I can be there. I _will_ be there.

The past years have been hard on you, too, and I know I haven't made them any easier. Maybe I could have, but I didn't. I guess when you are as hurt and confused as I was, you become selfish, too selfish to notice how much you are hurting the people you love. Believe me when I say I wanted to help you. Did you know I used to ask Haley about you all the time? And then, of course, I would threaten her to death if she ever mentioned anything to you. When I told Mouth about it, he said it was always so obvious to him, he was surprised I was so clueless about my own feelings. Was I always that obvious? It's kind of funny to think about it now. Now that things have been said, it all seems so much easier in a way. To deal with, I mean. You have made it all so easy, and that is why I know you still are my best friend. Of all the people, you, the one I'm in love with, you are the one helping me through it, and, somehow, you are managing to do that without hurting me. How do you do this? How can you have this effect on me?

And why did you call me today in the middle of the night to say that you are not sure of what you feel towards Chase anymore? That there is something so scary going on that you can not talk about it to anyone? Not even to me. _And especially not to him_. I can not help wondering if you are not sitting on your bed, right now, doing the same thing I am doing. Damn it, I'm letting my hopes up again. Oh well, I don't think I can stop it. I guess I will keep hoping. Maybe one day, right?

Good night, Brooke. You have no idea how good it is to say "I will see you tomorrow", and know that it is true.

Love,

Peyton.


	3. Letter 3

_Thank you guys, so much, for all your reviews. It made me so happy that you liked the idea of this story, and the way it's being written. So to answer some questions... about the girls reading each others letters. nope, they haven't. When I posted the first chapter, I named it Unsent, but I had no idea if I was even gonna write more. As I wrote it, I guess it could happen, you know? Peyton could've showed the letter to Brooke. But she didn't. The things that they mention on the letters happened as they talked, as they became closer, but, as close as they are, there are still things that they simply cannot say - that's the idea of this story. On the first letter, they weren't talking, on the second one, Peyton found some courage to tell Brooke the truth, but not necessarily everything she had written. And now, since some of you mentioned it would be interesting to have Brooke's pov too, I thought it was a really good idea, and wrote it. It is probably going to be a short fic, maybe three or four more letters. It is really easy for me to write it, and I love it, but I'm guessing that, after a while, it may become boring if I keep it up for like 20 chapters!_

_Ok, I guess that's it. Hope you like Brooke's pov, too, and let me know what you thought of it!_

_Oh, and this goes to **Carol** (unflavored), because... well, because we always find a way to make things ok, and I love you for that, best friend! _

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**P. Sawyer,**

How pathetic would you think I am if you knew that, instead of out with my boyfriend right now, like I said I would be, I am sulking in my room, writing to you? On a Saturday night! BY CHOICE! Pretty pathetic, I'd say. What if I told you I just called him and said I wasn't feeling too well, and I thought we should have a raincheck? That I'd rather stay here, writing to you, _thinking_ of you, than with him?

I can not tell you how much it means to me that you are back in my life. How happy I have been lately, how amazing it felt to see you again, to talk and laugh and gossip with you again, and to feel like we did not lose anything, like I thought we had. That it is all there, that it has always been there. Trust me, I _can not_ tell you. Not because I can not put it into words, or because I don't know how, because it's pretty simple when you stop to think about it. So how can it feel so weird and messed up in my head?

To be honest, for the longest time I really didn't think that I missed you. I learned to deal with that hole in my chest, and, with time, it did not hurt anymore. So I learned to pretend it was gone. But it is _not_ true, and all it took was one look at you to know just how much you mean to me. And since that moment… god, how can I even begin to explain? It is so scary, to even think about it, to even consider it… And it is confusing, and it hurts, Peyton. It hurts because I feel so lost, like I don't even know what I feel anymore. I have an amazing boyfriend, and I love him. He is perfect, he is caring, and sweet, and he has been there for me through so much already. And yet, I find myself ditching him lately, to be with you. To go to your place, or even to go to that music store you find so great for some bizarre reason. Because when I am with you… it is different than before. I _feel_ something different now.

But then again, you told me you loved me. You told me you were _in love_ with me. Right before we got our friendship back. Something had to change, right? Even though we say it is the same, it can not be. I have been in love, Peyton, and I know it is not as easy as you are making it seem. I know how much it must have hurt you, and maybe it still does, and deep down I even know that, if I wasn't so selfish, the right thing to do would be to let go, and walk away before you hurt even more. But why can't I do that? I will tell you, it has always been hard, being away from you, but now it seems even harder. Maybe I am afraid that if I get away for too long, you will slip away from me again, I will lose you again. And I have to say it, that thought alone is the scariest thing in the world for me right now. But why? Why do I suddenly feel like I am going to _break_ if you are not by my side?

The answer is obvious, or at least it should be. So why can't I just say it? Why can't I even write it? And why, _why_ have you not seen the signs? I know you are a blonde, but you have always been a smart one! So _see_ it, Peyton. I am begging you to _see_ them, to realize what I am trying to tell you, without making me say the words. It is too hard, too freaking hard.

You know what is even more messed up? It's that, even if you come to me and say it, I will have no idea what to do. I have no idea what to do about Chase, and about us. I am _so_ scared, and _you_ are the one I usually run to when I feel this way. How can I run to you now? I guess that is why I can not find the courage to say it. Because, somehow, I have a feeling I will lose a friend. I can talk to you about anything, or at least I could, before. And now there are things you simply can not know, at least not yet.

I remember the words you used when you told me. You said "What would you do if I said I was in love with you?" _Was._ That was the word you used. And now I don't really know if you still do, or if all this time we spent away was enough for you to fall out of love. And not knowing has been hard. Not that it would be easy if I did know, but I like to think that I would at least know where to begin.

What if I just missed you? What if this feeling, this _need_ to be around you is simply a way to try and make it up for being away for so long? What if I am just happy to have my best friend back, and I am mixing things up? _What if I tell you and then realize it was not what I thought? _I can not lose you again. That is the one thing I am completely sure of. That you are so damn important to me, P. Sawyer, that I will do whatever I have to in order to keep you in my life. I need to know, but I can not ask. And I am giving you all the signs, so please, just give me one, too. One little sign that I am doing something right, that I am not in this alone, and I will find a way to fix us. But you need to help me do this. And I swear, Peyton, I_ swear _we will find a way.

I love you. Even if I do not know exactly in what way, I do know that much. I should probably get to bed now, and I hope to see you in my dreams. Good night, Peyton.

Your best friend,

B. Davis.


	4. Letter 4

_Thank you for the reviews! And special thanks to **rain1657**, who seems to have grasped the exact meaning of this story on the last review._

_And, as always, to **Carol, **because I don't have to understand everything you do, because you let me in enough to make it easy to understand your reasons behind it. =)_

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****Brooke,**

You love me. More than that, you _are in love_ with me. And I love you, and you know that. How can things be even worse now than they were before? Why did you tell me that, and then started to pull away? Why are you still with him, even though you _know_ you are not in love with him anymore? You didn't even have to tell me that your feelings towards him had changed, it was not hard to see it, even for me, who was not a part of your life for so long. But still, I see you with him now, and he does not have a clue. I see that you are smiling, but I know it is the kind of smile that does not reach your heart, that you do not mean it. I see that you are trying so hard to repair something which can not be fixed anymore. And I wonder why.

Is it so scary, the thought of being with me? I know, I know you say you are afraid of losing me, and do not think that it doesn't terrify me, too. But what terrifies me the most, and the one, most important thing here, that you have not seem to have grasped yet, is that it has already started. Whatever mess we were afraid of making, it has already been made, and now we are in the middle of it. And it seems I am the only one who is trying to find some way to fix it, when _you_ were the one who promised we would find a way. It is the worst thing, feeling like I am fighting alone, for the both of us. But I will keep doing this, if I have to. If you are not strong enough to fight for us right now, I will keep going, until you are. Knowing you feel the same changes everything. And it definitely changes my resolution to let you go once and for all.

You do not see it, do you? That it is not about choosing between love and friendship. Because it is all in your hands now, and if you choose not to be with me, as much as it hurts me, I can not promise you that we will keep being friends like we used to be. Even now, it is already different, we are already keeping things from each other, there is a line now that we can not cross when it comes to telling things. There were never lines, or limits before. You know it as much as I do. But you are trying to believe that by not letting anything happen between us, you are saving our friendship, when it is probably the exact opposite. You might be destroying it. If that is what you want, I will try, I swear to you I will try to be the same old P. Sawyer to you, but I can not promise it is going to be the same. It is going to hurt like hell, as much as I tell myself I am ready for anything you decide, I _know_ I can never be ready for that. I wish you knew, too.

And you know what is probably the most frustrating thing? It is that I can see it, so clearly, that you are just scared. Scared to let go of him, of the _safety_ he represents, and to jump into the unknown with me. It is going to be difficult, I never said it was not. But I also think it is going to be worth it. Maybe not perfect, because, let's face it, we are both kind of messed up when it comes to relationships. But you know me better than anyone in the world, you _understand_ me like no one else can. And I like to think that I get your pretty little head better than most people. I think that is going to make a difference. It is going to make _all_ the difference.

I used to think that, if I ever heard you saying you loved me back, it was going to be the happiest moment of my life. And it was, at the moment. I don't think you can imagine what it felt like for me, at that moment. Now I am afraid that the dream is turning into a nightmare, because not only I may never get to be with you, I may also lose the person I love the most in the process. Do you know what it was like, when with a single word from you, I could suddenly see all my biggest dreams coming true, for a fraction of a second? Can you imagine, Brooke? To have the things you want the most so close to your reach, so close that you can almost touch it, and then have them slip away from your grasp?

Sometimes it seems even worse than never knowing. Sometimes I get _angry_ at you for ever telling me. Because it seems to me that if you have no idea what to do, if you don't even _know_ for sure what you want, you had no right to give me that kind of hope. It is bad to want something you are pretty much sure you will never have. But then the thought that it _could_ happen, that it is so close… Having that much hope and then having it taken away from you again, there are no words to describe that feeling. No words.

I don't think I ever fought for you this hard, Brooke. Ever. And I have fought for you in the past, but I never felt so strong, and I never felt this determined before. So if you think I am going to make it easy on you to give up on us, think again. I am sorry, I know it is hard on you, too, and if I thought, for one second, that you wanted me to give up, I would. If I thought it was going to be better for you, I promise you I would. But you are _still_ giving me all the signs, and when we are at the same place, you can not hide it, Brooke, you change, just like me. I can not let you be stuck in a relationship that is not working anymore. You deserve better than that. Chase deserves better than that. And I am definitely past that whole self hatred phase, because I know that _I, too, deserve better._ I deserve your whole heart, and I am not about to settle for only half of it.

So get ready, Brooke Davis. I may not always understand the things you do, but I usually understand _why_ you do them. That is why you have me. And I am not going anywhere.

Love,

Peyton.


End file.
